huh?

My life is so messed up right now.  Okay, maybe it's just me that is messed up lately.  I am totally having a hard time.  I don't have any idea what direction I need to give my life.  I do not know which way I should go.  I am completely unorganized.  I still do not have a job and I have much more schooling to do than I though. Yup, that is where I am right now in my life.  I need some focus, I need some direction, I need some discipline.

I want to be the woman I am supposed to be, the woman God had in mind when he thought me up.  Yet, I know I am not there.  I also, know that I have no idea what he wants from me.  I am not one who can follow the signs or hear something - unless it is SHOUTED at me.  So, how do I know what path he wants me to take?  How do I know what he wants me to do?  I am confused by what I want and by what I need, then throw in some what I think I should do.

I WANT to make a living taking photographs, and be able to be crafty and be a sort of be a stay at home mom- with money to spend.  Not alot of money, but I would like to contribute to my household financially and have some spending money.  Plus, I love photography.
I NEED to go back to school?  I think.  I have been displaced twice in two years.  This SUCKS.  It sucks to know that at 32 almost 33, most people see me as unhireable.  I am a hard worker, a good worker.  I have always given any job 125%.  Why come to work if you aren't going to give it everything?  I think/feel that going back to school would give me the security in a job, that I don't have.  At least I hope it would.
I SHOULD take the next job that comes around just so that I am working. This is what I think I should do.  In my head.  I have worked since I was 15 years old, at a real job- aka Burger King. Before that, I mowed lawns, babysat and anything else people in my neighborhood would pay me to do.  So, right now sort of looking for a job and collecting unemployment (which is about $600 less than what i was bringing home, plus NO insurance) is very new to me.

How do you know what are supposed to do?  Any ideas or help that you all could offer would be great.  I have spent the weekend looking up scholarships.  I feel like I have no shot in HECK of winning one, but if I did, maybe that would be the sign I need.  I am going to apply for school tomorrow and try to figure that out, yet at the same time. Is this something I can do? Go back to school, take care of CarLee is this fair to Lee?  My husband is amazing, he works 50 plus hours selling auto parts at the same job he has had since the day after graduation high school.  He is the top salesman there and has been for many years in a row now.  He also works with his dad several days a week.  Yet, he is still a wonderful husband and father. Patient with both me and CarLee. I know some days (like today)  this is a full time job in itself. 

okay I guess this is enough for tonight.- oh, tomorrow a new beginning in diet and exercise.  I need to get healthy, to hopefully take control of one part of my life.

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.” —Psalm 32:8

Sometimes, Lord, it’s so hard to see. We squint and struggle to make sense of what you’re showing us. Help us know when you are guiding us, Lord, and when we are clutching at the wrong answers. Help us know, as this peace process unfolds, how to best follow your voice, how to love each other with your perfect love, and how to continue to turn to you and, when it’s your will, to wait until the time you choose to answer our prayers. Thank you for teaching us how to live in your care and respond to your voice.

http://www.revisionsplus.com/guidance.html

way tO much going ON upstairs

I am sure this is what i look like when i am deep in thought. LOL

 So, this is going to be a long drawn out post. I have had alot on my mind lately and well I should have posted before now, but yeah whatever.  I have a long list of things I should have done sooner.

1.)  Driving home late Tuesday night. (I am laughing at myself for saying late, it was 6:30 pm) From Lake City I missed my Firebird so much.  I do not even have a digital picture of it.  I am so sure i have one on film though.  I was driving home alone and all of suddenI wished I was driving that car.  I never miss that car when I have CarLee.  I missed it.  I missed the speed, missed the changing of the gears, missed the stereo, missed the irresponsibilty that car gave me. (or at least made me feel like i was irresponsible).  I am never irresponsible. (okay lets not count my addiction to joann's or michaels)  I always do what I am supposed too.  I always do the right thing.  Sometimes, I just want that car back to make it fly down the part of Normandy. Between 301 and 10. I would have killed to have made that firebird fly on Tuesday night.  I think I would have loved to feel just a tad irresponsible. Nope. Drove my HHR within speed limits.  oh, and no texting.  I did have my iPod cranked up though.

2.)  Nanny had her surgery.  I spend half the day at the hospital with her today.  She was out of it.  She told me once I had this baby (I am so not pregnant, and honestly I am big, but I do not look pregnant) I need to have another one.  A little girl. WOW okay Nanny. Crazy Loopy Lady.  Then she proceeded to tell me that Nikki had killed Mary Anne.  See, this would have caused me alarm (bestie with the name nikki) but I had ready the cover of soap opera digest. Nanny still watches Young and the Restless.  She also seemed to think the hospital was Eric's house. Eric is my cousin.  She went on and on about how she loved his great big house.  So I told Lee about that.  Oh, no big mistake.  Lee came back with tell her, I just saved a bunch of baby bunnies from a burning pet store.  The fire cheif said I was a hero.  So, like an idiot I told my Nanny that.  She looked at me- well when is he bringing me them bunnies to raise?  Did I mention I love this crazy crazy loopy lady?  As, I walked out the door to come home. She says, Thanks for Putting up with me. Even now I smile at that. Put up with her?  How many times have I called that woman and unburdened myself? I should thank her every day for putting up with me.

3.)  So CarLee had a bad couple of days at school.  Her agenda said she was talking to much.  That she was talking when she was not supposed to.  Also, she would not stop talking once told too.  So, I asked my Girl Kid, "CarLee, why would you not stop talking?" (she looks at me like I am half stupid) "Cause I got alot to say." 1 point CarLee, 0 for Mommy. http://momastery.com/blog/2012/01/04/2011-lesson-2-dont-carpe-diem/
This article is so freaking awesome.  This lady explains so much so well.  I cherish every day and every moment with my kid.  I promise you that.  I also will not lie, at times if i could hide some where where she could not find me. I would still be there right now.  CarLee don't touch that, okay she says as she reaches for something extremely breakable and pics it up.  Mommy I am hungry, CarLee what do you want?  I dont know.. (um really?) all of this is recited by the whiniest voice ever.  I do not let my child wonder all over the store or act a fool. (okay I dont let her act a fool all the time).  Yet, some times when i get onto her in public, I get looked at as if I have created some crime.  But, I assure you the same old hags looking at me like that for getting onto her, would be the same ones whispering "she should make her child mind" if I did let her act a fool ALL the time. which acting a fool comes so naturally to her.  Look at her parents.

I have so much more to say... or write..... or type... but, its past my bedtime. wonder if Lee is still awake........

STRENGTH -

Strength is my word for the year and let me tell you, I picked this word back in December.  I choose it before all the changes that have recently taken place.  I hope that I can live up to what it means.

I found these definitions for this word.

The state, property, or quality of being strong.

The power to resist attack; impregnability.

The power to resist strain or stress; durability.

The ability to maintain a moral or intellectual position firmly

Wow, so I now know what I have to live up to this year.  So that's what I am going to do.  Be strong, stay strong, live strong.  Take this walk with me.

STRENGTH - to have faith, to find peace, to always be grateful.

(so this picture has nothing to do with the post, but I think I look good here!)

New Year, New Changes?

That right now- is something i am trying to do.  Love this beautiful life God has blessed me with.  I am working everyday to be a better person.  I want to be who my daughter already believes me to be.  In her eyes - and God's eyes I am so much more.  I want to be so much more. so that's me. Thanking God for blessing me with my Crazy Beautiful Life.

Here is an update on this Crazy Life I have.

Sunday first Sunday back at church.  All great there.  No judgement for missing 2 months, just hugs and such.  Love the members of my Church.

Monday- wow.  I have no way to describe this day.  Went to work and was busy so I was working. Doing my thing. I walked on my lunch break with my friend Liz.  We walked 2 miles and had some good deep conversation.  My legs were on fire though.  I got backed to my desk and my manager called me to her office.  "we are re-organizing, and your position has been eliminated." dude.  What else can i say.  I packed my desk and was out the door. I could say so much more, but really there is no point.

Tuesday - job search, which is so not fun.  Looked on line all day.
Wed - much of the same, worked in my scrapbook room.  Church in the evening.
Thursday - worked in my scrapbook room, got stuff ready for my yard sale to benefit a friend.
      I picked CarLee up from school and we went to Publix, where i proceeded to knock out her front tooth.  I know I am such a good mommy.  It was a total accident, but it happened.  Then we got home and lost the lost tooth.  How do I manage to do these things?  As an organized mom - I fail.  She did not even care, never mentioned the tooth fairy.  She is not even excited about the tooth fairy after the first tooth.
Friday - chiropractor and massage.  This is my last visit before my insurance runs out.  Then had lunch with my girls.  Susie, Liz and Sherry from my last job and one of my besties Karen. It was a good lunch.  It was nice to hang out.  Then it was home to get more stuff ready for the yard sale.

Today, Saturday it was yard sale. I raised 150.00 for my friend.  I am so excited.  I can not wait to give it to her.  It made me feel real good.  I am so blessed to be able to do this.

This week coming up asking for prayers. My nanny has to have surgery on Tuesday.  Please pray that this all goes well.  Please pray that this heals her stomach. This lady means so much to me.  I can never put into words all that she is. She is great.  She is fun, and strong.

She has been my nanny, my mommy, my friend, confident, buddy, and so much more.  She is my history, my past, she holds my present and with all my whole heart I pray that she is in my future for a long time more.

LoVE mY KiD

So, CarLee had to redo her homework tonight for the whole week.  Why do you ask?  She decided to bring ice cream home with her, from school.  Guess how that turned out?  She put it in her lunch box at lunch time, so she could bring it home.

PS - I weighed in at weight watchers - down 5 pounds.  When I get to 13 I will celebrate.

Okay I am listening......

Have you ever realized that someone was trying to tell you something and you just weren't listening?
I have, and very recently too.  I am not sure exactly where to start this post or this story.  So, lets just start with now.  Last night was my first night back at Church in over 2 months.  Yet, even before then I was only going very sparatically.  It seems when my life gets busy or I get depressed, I quit church. Why, God didn't quit me (Thank You for not quiting me).  I go to a really great church.  I do.  I know most people think they go to a great church, and they probably do.  I go to a church that is great for me.

1.)  CarLee loves it.  Not likes it Loves it.  She knows when we are supposed to go.  Thank you Ms Sims and Ms Kelly for teaching her the days of the week.  I have to think this goes back to all of her Sunday School teachers and now her awana leaders.  I have to admit, watching her in her faith and her walk with God is amazing.

2.)  My first Sunday school teacher.  Ms Sandy - made me feel welcome and loved from the first time I met her.  She put me right at ease.

3.)  They don't care what you wear.  I know this seems like a silly reason to think your church is great but to me it is.  I am not a girlie girl, I do not like to dress up, and I would so rather be in flip flops than dress shoes.  I have showed up in jeans and a t-shirt and was not treated any differently. EVER.  They just want you to be there, to share the Lord with you.

4.)  This is not my first lapse in going to church.  Yet, no one judges me.  I never get the look - oh look who is back now....  I get hugs and pats on the shoulder. I hear, "Glad to see you" or "Glad your back".  I feel missed and I feel wanted.

So, before school let out for Christmas break, CarLee asked when we would be going back to church.  I said in the new year.  So, on Monday I posted to the women's group on facebook :

needing help. 1.) can anyone recommend a podcast on itunes for daily listening? 2.) thinking i might need some help in my daily walk. I have not been to church since oct. when life gets hectic or crazy church is the one thing I drop. I don't want to be like that anymore.

The response from the women in that group was amazing, as well as all of the encouragement I received last night.  I realized that I don't have to be able to spout scripture, and I don't have to be elegant prayer.  I just have to be me. 

Earlier in the day I had read this post : http://karenrussell.typepad.com/my_lifejust_not_on_the_ro/2011/12/love-notes.html
and it spoke to me.  I just need to be in my relationship with God. 

So this is why I think God, was trying to get my attention.  3 weeks ago when CarLee asked when we were going back, when I got the news my Nanny was cancer free, when I posted to facebook and the women of my church let me know that they were there for me and when I read that blog post.  It's not really about GOING to church for me, but about going to GOD. I am listening and praying now. 

Red Power Ranger

Okay at some point my kid has combined the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus?




Let me start at the beginning. CarLee – my totally awesome Girl Kid did not actually get her teeth until she was almost a year old. Then of course she got them all at one time. That was so much fun. (The sarcasm was just oozing right there if you could not tell.) End of that part of the story – she got all of her teeth. Once at her pediatrician’s office, he said to be careful that she might be likely to get cavities because her teeth were a little jagged. Fast forward 2 years and her first dentist appointment no cavities no problems that they could see. The dentist patted us both on the head and said keep up the good work. Well, not really but basically that was the gist of it.

A couple of months ago, she started asking when she would lose her teeth. I basically told her I did not know and that everyone was different. That they would come out in their own time. (This was a really good mommy moment for me, huh?) So, the other day she said her tooth hurt, and I asked her to show me which one. She pointed and opened her mouth. I looked and while looking I noticed that I could actually see 2 teeth along her gum lines. I laughed. Sorry, but all I could really think about was her new teeth were about to kick her old teeth out. I told her what I saw; she got excited and told her daddy. This was Sunday 01/01/2012.

Well, last night Girl Kid and her daddy went to get shoes. When they got home, she peaked in the door and said mommy I have something to show you. I said, “What?” She kind of turned toward lee and said, “Can I show her?” Lee said “not yet”. The two of them went back and forth for a while. Then Lee said, “OK, go show her.” CarLee ran towards me all excited and says, “My tooth is loose.” This kid was so stinking excited about her first loose tooth. Yes, of course I went to get my camera and made CarLee point to the loose tooth, while I took pictures of it. I am just a little weird. A minute later after CarLee had left the living room and was not within ear shot, Lee says, “She already made a wish to the tooth fairy.”

Okay so maybe I should not have been, but I was shocked. I think my mouth feel open. A wish? To the Tooth Fairy, what you talkin bout Willis? Lee told me, that CarLee had made a wish for a red power ranger to the tooth fairy or for the money to buy it; she could not be specific because she did not know how much a read power ranger cost. At this point I am laughing and thinking – Yes, I rubbed my belly and begged for my kid to have personality. Wish granted. So, I asked lee what we were going to do. Dumb. He said, “Well at least Wal-Mart is 24 hours, in case we have to go in the middle of the night.” In our family, CarLee’s imagination/awesomeness wins every time.

Conclusion: Mommy, meaning yours truly hit Wal-Mart at 6:30 am (before work) to pick up a red power ranger.

Operation Tooth Fairy: Accomplished.

fat munchkin from the Wizard of Oz

(the title of this post has nothing to do with the actual munchkin in the above picture, but to her mother)

Really why is it, that on those days when I am not trying to eat healthy or in simple girl terms, “BE GOOD” I hardly think of food. Oh, but today is the first day of my new life (lifestyle) and I cannot stop thinking


About food. REALLY?!?!?!? How do you think that’s fair? Yeah, I did not know who I thought would actually answer that question. The Diet Goddess or Mother Nature or the someone who decided that food was going to be the vain of my existence? I wish that it was something I could take or leave. It does not look like that is ever going to be the case. I am doing this to be healthy, to be able to be an active parent, and let’s not forget so that I no longer look like a very fat munchkin from the Wizard of Oz or like someone tied to umpalompa’s together. That is probably the single most motivating factor.

Here is the deal. I am going to do this. I am going to be stubborn about this. I need to do this for me. I want more confidence. I want to feel at least a little sexy when I go to put the moves on my husband. (He has never not once complained or commented or anything, so don’t go thinking he is some evil man. He says he loves me/wants me no matter what and proves it more than he should have too.) I want to quit buying clothes from the fat people stores. Yeah whatever, I will always have to go in there for my bras. That is the one thing my husband does care about. BOOBIES.

So here is the first real day of good (by good I totally meant healthy) food, hot tea, water and me thinking “nothing is going to taste as good as skinny feels.”

S o I have a question for you Ladies out there, who have ever worked out or just needed a feel pretty, sexy, I am woman song. What is that song?

1.) Whiskey Girl by Toby Keith – pretty sure it has something to do with that music video.

I don’t know why. I have never looked like that in my entire life. Yet, there is totally something about this song/video that makes me wanna be skinny. Yup that noise you heard – was you laughing out loud at reading that.



Check out these super cool blogs:

http://1000awesomethings.com/     this is heartwarming and will make you laugh or at least smile to yourself.


http://www.peopleiwanttopunchinthethroat.com/ -- this is my kind of blog, I am pretty sure I agree with her 100% - but for the sake of wanting you guys to like me.. 98% of the time I agree with her

so this is me signing out for now...

2012

So today is the beginning of a new year.  Hello 2012! This year is going to be a year of good things.  I am going to try my best.  I joined weight watchers yesterday.  I have done this before and not followed thru.  Yet, my Girl Kid is getting more active and I am going to need to keep up with her.  I want to be healthy for my family.  So, today is the first day of this life style change. ta da.

December 29th 2011

I have been thinking about this again, alot.  I enjoy it, but it is one of those things that I tend to let go.  My grammar is not that good, and well anyone who knows me knows my spelling is worse.  I do however love to write.  I have always used it as an outlet.  I look back over some of my journals from elementary school (the ones I managed to save despite the 30 something moves) and even back then writing was an outlet.  It was a way to get out all of the things inside of me.  I still have so much inside of me trying to get out.  I have so much I want to be and do.  Yet, most of the time I do nothing.  Why is that?

I am really going to try and do more and be more in 2012.
I want to get back into going to church.  I enjoy it when I go.  CarLee loves it.  Yet its the first thing I let fall to the side when I get lazy or depressed.  I am not sure why.  I know that God is busy, and yet he has time for me.  I need to stop making excuses.  I need to just focus on it.  I need to just do it.  I need to focus more on my daily walk with the Lord.  I know that my faith has gotten me thru LIFE. I know his plan for me is greater than the one I have for myself.

I am going to try and complete project life 365: http://www.beckyhiggins.com/products/
I am so excited to do this.  I am years behind in my scrapbooking. I still like scrapbooking but, really I have so much more stuff that I want to do and try.  So, I am really going to try and do this.

Well I guess that's is all for tonight.  Still trying to figure out, if I will keep blogging.  Maybe no one wants to know what i have to say.  Maybe some of  you do.  Who knows?  I have so much I want to do.  I wonder if I will actually accomplish anything.....

CarLee- you are such a loving little girl, your hugs melt my heart.
Lee - thank you for the napkin under my windshield wiper.
Nanny - you are who you are.
Tony- thanks for always being there.
Lisa - thanks for thinking about making smores with my girl kid tomorrow night.
Ms Sandy - my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Karen - not mad - just want so much more for you.
Nikki - love you more than sweet tea and potato salad.
Christie - email me in the morning - so I know I am not alone.
God - thank you for my life, thank you for all you have blessed me with. Please watch over all of my family and my friends.  I pray that they have enough of whatever they need. I pray that you walk with all of them every day.  I pray that they know your love and your grace.  Thank you again for my many blessings.

Just cause its too cute!

10 Things about Me

1.) I love to watch TV (and thats not such a good thing)

way to many favorite shows.

2.) I have to many things I want to do

3.) I am a morning person.

4.) I never took naps before I had Girl Kid, now i could take one everyday

sometimes twice a day, if the world would let me.

5.) I love a clean car on the inside (even though I hate to clean it), and could care

less what the outside looks like.

6.) I don't always get the joke, but will always laugh, then ask Lee what it means.

(he is the only one I never have to pretend with).

7.) I currently have over 100 premade scrapbook pages with no pictures on them.

8.) I associate music with my life ALOT. I hear certain songs and memories come to mind.

Music has always been like that for me and i like just about anything I can sing along too.

9.) I HATE roaches and dirty feet and finger nails.

10.) Believe that the potatoe salad the women in my family make should be a food group.

So I copied this from a Facebook Friends status.

The Gifts of CarLee

WOW, she is 5. I can hardly believe it. I remember it being yesterday we brought her home. I remember it was yesterday when she started to walk. I remember it being yesterday that she had her first day of school. What all of a sudden I woke up and she is 5? How in the world did that happen so fast? She is smart and funny and really has the biggest heart ever. She has faith that God and Jesus will fix everything. She says things like everybody in the world is my family and I love my family. She thinks that a wet paper towel will make anything feel better. Her room is to much work for her to clean up. (It apparently is not to much work to mess up.) She loves her teacher Ms. Deb and I worry about her not liking any other teacher this much. She says she misses her puppies when she is tired and wants to go home. She sings that smell, by skynard which makes her daddy smile. She tells me I am her Favorite Mommy and she loves me all the way around the world. Her laugh makes my heart swell every time I hear it. The tears that some time fall down her cheeks makes my heart break. The imagination within her amazes me at times and baffles me at others. I have learned the art of negotiation and have had to re-sharpen my arguing skills. I see so many different people in her and yet She is completely unique. I remember laying in bed at night praying that God would let me have a baby. I remember praying that she would be healthy. I am so glad that God picked CarLee to be my daughter. There are so many things I want her to know, that I want to tell her. I try to think of way so put into words how much I love her, how special she is. The thing is the words never come. Seeing the world thru her eyes, her faith, her openness, most days it leaves me speechless. Some Random facts about CarLee @5. LOVES ponies, and papa tony She thinks that Nikki's boys are her brothers (even though she has a hard time with their names) She loves church, LOVES it. She gets excited over everything that is given to her. She says, what the holy heck, this is freakin me out, she has a beach house according to her everything happened the last yesterday or will happen the next tomorrow Her favorite color is pink she likes to eat, chicken nuggets, french fries, corn nuggets, pop tarts, popcorn shrimp, and well the rest is mostly junk. She gives her daddy a really hard time, but when is not home, she is constantly asking, wheres my daddy, when is my daddy coming home, i miss my daddy. she is in between watching baby cartoons; dora, diego and grown up cartoons; ben ten, avatar she loves dress and playing dress up says that when she is 30 she will have a house barn with horses, cows, camels, goats, pigs, cats and dogs, No chickens because they only have 2 legs. She loves to take naps in her Nannys bed, just like her mommy. she tries to negotiate everything. she argues about most things. Well that's all for now. I hope that she knows that I love her with all that I am and that she is all i ever wanted after I got her daddy. I am so blessed with my little family.

December 7th 2010

Prompt: Community. __Where have I discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would I like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?

I have made new friends on Facebook and @ my new job. I would like to more deeply connect with my community at church but I would need to go in order to do that. I have not been going, and that laziness on my part. It seems to be the easiest thing to put to the side when life gets busy. I know it should not be like that but it is. In 2011 I am making a commitment to myself and my daughter to not put this at the bottom of the list.

December 6th

todays prompt - Make. What was the last thing I made? What materials did I use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

Well the last thing i made as a center piece in a vase for christmas. I used just some floral stems from michael and tissue paper. For my first attempt it turned out pretty good.

I have a long list of stuff I want to make, and yeah I need to make time to make it.

***Spent the day with Lee today it was nice.***

Short post. No pic.

December 5th A very Personal Post

www.reverb10.com

This website is about giving you prompts to reflect on this year and manifest whats next. I am going to play catch up for a minute as I missed the first 4 days of this. (There is a prompt for each day.)

1.) December 1 – One Word --- One word that encompasses the year 2010 for me is CHANGE. It seems like my life has done nothing but CHANGE over and over again this past year. For those that know me.. I am not good at CHANGE. I have had numerous major life CHANGES this year.

2.)December 2 – Writing --- I do not think that this one applies much to me other than the fact I need to do more of it. I have been told by numerous Counselors that it helps to get the feeling out, even if you just put them on paper and then throw them away. I recently had a nutritionist tell me that when I felt like eating and did not know if it was real hunger or my vice, to write something anything and keep going and after that if I was still wanting food to re-evaluate and see if it was real hunger or not. So maybe that will be a small goal for me, or maybe posting to this blog more regularly will be. Something for me to think about.

3.)December 3 – Moment --- This prompt is about picking one moment from the year where I felt most alive this year. Is it said that I am sitting here and really can not think of that MOMENT. I really am trying, but I am going back to the beginning of the year and I am noticing that I am having a hard time remembering the year. It could be the way I have felt over the past year and all of the changes. I am sad because I can not find my moment.

4.)December 4 – Wonder --- How did I cultivate a sense of wonder in my life this year? -- WOW, um not sure that I did, but it is something that is going to take place in 2011. I am currently reading a book called, The Gifts of Imperfection, by Brene Brown. It says Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are, Your Guide to WHOLEHEARTED Life. So, wish me luck on this journey I am taking for myself. It's going to involve changes on my part, work on my part. I am scared and yet excited. I am going to find a good counselor to see, I am going to become closer to God. I believe these things will help me. I think they will be good for me.

5.)December 5 – Let Go --- What (or whom) did I let go of this year? Why?

This Prompt hits home to me in a BIG no make that a HUGE way. I feel like I let go of myself and I don't know why. I feel as if I do not really know who I am. I feel as if I really do not know what I want. I feel as if I let go of things that were important to me. I feel as if I let the CHANGES take that away from me. Maybe its a growing process, maybe its just life and this happens to alot of people, and they just don't talk about it. I am not sure but again if you read December 4th, that's what I am going to do take Me back this year. I only hope that I have the courage to follow thru on it. I can not stress how nervous and scared I am about going on this journey, but I believe that it will and can help me come out on the other side a better ME. I think a better ME, means a better Person, Wife, Mother, Woman of God, Friend, and again a better ME.

Okay I wonder what tomorrows Prompt will be and what my answer will be and if I will continue to answer them honestly and with my heart.

Black Apples December 3rd

Well, most people would see a black apple and think yuck, gross. I see them and want to ram my head against the nearest wall. These days black apples are the vain of my existence. They are the definition of how well my Girl Kid behaved. These week I have seen way too many Black Apples. She received 3 of them on Tuesday. She decided to hold a bunch of other kids hostage in the tree house at recess. She made them all cry. Okay that was not nice, but really they are 3 and 4 years old why cry? Why not just push her out of the way? Knock her down or something? Yeah, I know then I might be saying little punks- I can not believe they pushed her down. But, for now I am sticking to just push her out of the way and leave the tree house! Too Shay! Also, that day she decided not to listen to her teacher at ALL. In fact she took that a step farther and tried to get everyone else to stop listening and to stop paying attention. Can anyone say Ring Leader? So that day ended with 3 black apples and no TV for her when she got home.

On to Wednesday, wow only 1 Black Apple. I was like that's not so bad, she did not sleep the night before. At all, period. She had a bad dream. She dreamt that her and I went to someones house where they had a cat that walked on 2 legs and it hit her. (yeah really whoever's house that was, please get your 2 legged cat under control) So again no TV for her.

Yesterday, Thursday I just knew with my whole heart that she had a good day. I felt it, her Daddy felt it. (I mean just because my day sucked butt....) I knew I was gonna pick her up and NO Black Apples. WRONG. She got 5 Black Apples. Not 1 not 2 not 3 but 5. She did not listen at all not even a little bit, it was the theme of the day. It was like Ms Deb was punishing herself by writing, Would not listen, would not listen, would not listen over and over again on the note that she left for me. Also, again with being mean to her friends. Every time she was allowed to play she would be mean to anyone around her. They made her sit out, tried again, she was mean again. So no TV again last night. I got onto her in front of her class, I did not yell, I simply stated that it was bad and wrong to be mean to her friends and made her tell all of the kids left at school/daycare that she was sorry. All of these kids were like "It's okay," "We forgive you." very nice. Then when we got in the car I made her cry, I told her she could not see Papa Tony until she had a good day. I know I am horrible right? The meanest mommy ever.

So, I am at a loss, and have developed a deep fear of Black Apples. Seriously these flat paper Black Apples can make me cry and make me want to bang my head against the wall. I feel like I am raising a monster. My Nanny thinks its funny. She is like how many today? "5" Good job she worked hard. That's how that conversation goes. (Me rolling my eyes @ my Nanny, which I can so do because I am in Jacksonville and she is in Wellborn and can not see me rolling my eyes @ her.) Any suggestions on what to do? I am at a loss. We threaten no Santa and have not even put up the Christmas tree, to reinforce that.

Praying for no BLACK APPLES today.

PS - story - Lee went to check on her last night about 11pm, to make sure she was covered. He checked on her and closed the door. I heard her (because we still use the baby monitor) say, "Who'd there?" heard Lee open her door again. "Is it you or the Monster?" - Lee "Me or you a monster?" CarLee, "No I am a people, I thought you were the Monster." Lee " No, whats your name?" CarLee, "CarLee." Lee "Good night CarLee." "Night Daddy."

Really who is this Monster and when did it start living in my house?

December 2, 2010

Daddy Bill

From the day I came into this world,

you have always been by my side.

Your hands have given me the protection

I would need in order to grow.

The smile you wore was always a ray

of sunshine over my day.

Always available to listen to me,

you never cast judgement my way.

The heart inside of you always seemed

to understand.

My feelings you knew as if they were your own.

Our relationship could only be described as true.

For you loved me as your child and I called you

Daddy, even though our names aren't the same.

Forever in my heart you will remain. January 17, 1998

Funny I just noticed the date I wrote this 2 months to the day before he passed away, leaving my life with this huge hole. I could go on and on about him. I think everyone should know I LOVED him despite who he was. I know all about the bad stuff but, the moments of good he gave were really good moments. One memory that sticks out, still makes me laugh out loud.
My mom and step dad AJ were opening up a shop (to work on cars) and there was this store that made hamburgers and fries. (Now it's known as the Mudville Grill where beach and Atlantic meet,back then it was a pharmacy/store/soda bar.) Well we all ordered these burgers and sat down to eat. I dropped mine on the ground, I was trying to put ketchup on it. The hamburger patty hit the dirtiest ground ever. He moved so fast, snatched it up off the ground and switched it out with AJ's friends Rob's hamburger. That was funny, but what made it worse was this guy just kept going on about how great the burger was. He went on and on and on... and really this floor was covered in grease, dirt, you name it had been on that floor. I was like 13 at the time and this was freaking hysterical to me and Lisa. Its 10:21 pm (12/01/2010) and I am smiling remembering this.

Another time was and this memory is so bittersweet to me. It was probably the last real conversation I ever had with him. See after this night he was on the ventilator and then the trek and I never heard his real voice again. He had to go to the emergency room, so me, Lee and Lisa followed the ambulance up there. Renee usually handled this, but she was fighting with David (and well honestly none of us thought anything was wrong, not even Daddy). Let's clear something up, David is Mexican. Daddy did not have anything against Mexicans, just David. He pretty much hated David. (oh, David being Renee's boyfriend then, husband now and Renee being my older step-sister.) So we are in the little areas @baptist er, Daddy in the bed, oxygen tank, me, Lee and Lisa and Daddy starts running his mouth. Okay he is talking about how Renee cant be there because she has to help David find his donkey. Let me tell you he went on and on, in walks a short cute doctor. Daddy starts saying (in front of the doctor) "why couldn't your sister fall in love with this guy? Oh no she has to go fall in love with some Mexican who cant even remember where he parked his donkey. This guy is cute and he has to be rich." Okay so I am trying to be the grown up, but laughing anyways lee and Lisa are laughing, and daddy just keeps going. He really did not like David. You may not find that funny, but i can still see him sitting in that bed flapping his arms and ranting and raving about David. The whole ER got a play by play and way to much info. Like I said I LOVED him despite who he was.

I can also remember the moment I knew and realized he loved me as if I were his. I mean I always knew it, but that picture at the top of this post, that day he looked at me with tears in his eyes and told me that I was beautiful and that he loved me more than he could ever say. It is truly the moment I knew that I did not have to have his blood or his last name for him to love me or for me to be his.
He is still with me, some days I think I feel his whiskers like I did when I kissed him good night or good bye. I still miss him so much it hurts. CarLee would be so stinking rotten way more than she is. He would have made her into a living nightmare for me. I know he is watching out for her. I know he has his hand on Lisa. I thought it would get better with time, I was so lost without him. See people did not know that i would sneak off to see him, on lunch break, after school, after work, and we would talk and talk and talk. I don't think of him everyday, but when I do think of him it can be crippling knowing what he's missed.
Once I asked him how I would know if Lee loved me in the forever kind of way. He actually told me, you don't have to know because I do.
I wish he could have seen Lisa dressed for her Proms, seen her get both her high school and college diplomas, buy her first house, and be here if she ever settles down. She was the apple of his eye. What he did right.
So December 2, is not a day that I dred or look forward too. It would have been his birthday. He would be so old tomorrow. like 77 or is it 78? Who knows he no longer ages.

Daddy, I miss you and I think about you and hope you know we are all okay.

December 1st Happy Birthday Cheryl Mosley

I want to take time today to say Happy Birthday to the most amazing Mother in Love.
She truly has the biggest heart and would do anything for anyone! She is also alot of fun and some of my best nights have been with her. Seeing Garth Brooks, meeting Billy Currington, seeing Keith Urban and Gary Allen. She has done so much and is truly one of those women who know how live life to the fullest. Her stories are amazing and funny. Yet she ALWAYS manages to be there whenever anyone needs her. She would go out of her way for anyone and she has (even those who never appreciate it!) She loves me constantly even when I am a witch (4th of July parade this year, sorry about that.) She wants everyone to know just how special they are, and goes out of her way to prove it to them. She loves unconditionally and truly. So today let's celebrate this NASCAR lovin, Country Music Listenen, Gone With the Wind collector, Mother, Sister, Friend, Aunt, Granny, former Bad A*S, no longer an all night partyer, and amazing women. My life is better because she is in it. Thanks for all you do and for always being you! I love you. I hope the next 50 years are as much fun as the first 50. I can not wait to see how your number one customizes the first wheel chair (just kidding we are a long way from there!)

a new start ... again

Well, blog land (not that I have a lot of followers) it has been a long while since I posted to my blog. I can not even begin to tell you all the things that have changed, and changed yet again. I will hopefully get more into that later.

This post is for me sort of like maybe a contract to myself. I have had my band empty since the beginning of summer, and my gall bladder removed. I have gained back almost all of my weight that I had lost. I am saying today is my new beginning. I need to get healthy and lose this weight. I want to have more energy more than anything right now.
I go see my band doctor today at 10:15. I am going to try and give up sweet tea. I just have to find something better to drink. That I like. I am not a big fan of the crystal light packets they have a funny after taste. I am unable to drink diet soda. So anyone have any ideas?? It’s also time to stop living on fast food (which is what I have done since starting a new job). I am shooting for High protein, low carb.

If anyone has any ideas or suggestions or anything please feel free to let me know. I have no excuses any more.

Love to you all.

I am making a TuTu

I took these (above) and made this (below).

I am super excited my oldest friend (that makes her sound old. it should be longest friendship but, that sounds weird) Lisa's little girl is turning 1! Lisa is also allowing me the honor of taking Claire's year old pictures. So, well I might be going over board. I am making a black n pink tutu and making her a cake to get into! I am so lucky to be apart of this. Yippee.. I am taking CarLee with me on Saturday to do the pictures. I think its going to be a very interesting morning. Oh, and I think I might make a matching #1 for her to hold if i can find some cool paper.