December 2, 2010

Daddy Bill

From the day I came into this world,

you have always been by my side.

Your hands have given me the protection

I would need in order to grow.

The smile you wore was always a ray

of sunshine over my day.

Always available to listen to me,

you never cast judgement my way.

The heart inside of you always seemed

to understand.

My feelings you knew as if they were your own.

Our relationship could only be described as true.

For you loved me as your child and I called you

Daddy, even though our names aren't the same.

Forever in my heart you will remain. January 17, 1998

Funny I just noticed the date I wrote this 2 months to the day before he passed away, leaving my life with this huge hole. I could go on and on about him. I think everyone should know I LOVED him despite who he was. I know all about the bad stuff but, the moments of good he gave were really good moments. One memory that sticks out, still makes me laugh out loud.
My mom and step dad AJ were opening up a shop (to work on cars) and there was this store that made hamburgers and fries. (Now it's known as the Mudville Grill where beach and Atlantic meet,back then it was a pharmacy/store/soda bar.) Well we all ordered these burgers and sat down to eat. I dropped mine on the ground, I was trying to put ketchup on it. The hamburger patty hit the dirtiest ground ever. He moved so fast, snatched it up off the ground and switched it out with AJ's friends Rob's hamburger. That was funny, but what made it worse was this guy just kept going on about how great the burger was. He went on and on and on... and really this floor was covered in grease, dirt, you name it had been on that floor. I was like 13 at the time and this was freaking hysterical to me and Lisa. Its 10:21 pm (12/01/2010) and I am smiling remembering this.

Another time was and this memory is so bittersweet to me. It was probably the last real conversation I ever had with him. See after this night he was on the ventilator and then the trek and I never heard his real voice again. He had to go to the emergency room, so me, Lee and Lisa followed the ambulance up there. Renee usually handled this, but she was fighting with David (and well honestly none of us thought anything was wrong, not even Daddy). Let's clear something up, David is Mexican. Daddy did not have anything against Mexicans, just David. He pretty much hated David. (oh, David being Renee's boyfriend then, husband now and Renee being my older step-sister.) So we are in the little areas @baptist er, Daddy in the bed, oxygen tank, me, Lee and Lisa and Daddy starts running his mouth. Okay he is talking about how Renee cant be there because she has to help David find his donkey. Let me tell you he went on and on, in walks a short cute doctor. Daddy starts saying (in front of the doctor) "why couldn't your sister fall in love with this guy? Oh no she has to go fall in love with some Mexican who cant even remember where he parked his donkey. This guy is cute and he has to be rich." Okay so I am trying to be the grown up, but laughing anyways lee and Lisa are laughing, and daddy just keeps going. He really did not like David. You may not find that funny, but i can still see him sitting in that bed flapping his arms and ranting and raving about David. The whole ER got a play by play and way to much info. Like I said I LOVED him despite who he was.

I can also remember the moment I knew and realized he loved me as if I were his. I mean I always knew it, but that picture at the top of this post, that day he looked at me with tears in his eyes and told me that I was beautiful and that he loved me more than he could ever say. It is truly the moment I knew that I did not have to have his blood or his last name for him to love me or for me to be his.
He is still with me, some days I think I feel his whiskers like I did when I kissed him good night or good bye. I still miss him so much it hurts. CarLee would be so stinking rotten way more than she is. He would have made her into a living nightmare for me. I know he is watching out for her. I know he has his hand on Lisa. I thought it would get better with time, I was so lost without him. See people did not know that i would sneak off to see him, on lunch break, after school, after work, and we would talk and talk and talk. I don't think of him everyday, but when I do think of him it can be crippling knowing what he's missed.
Once I asked him how I would know if Lee loved me in the forever kind of way. He actually told me, you don't have to know because I do.
I wish he could have seen Lisa dressed for her Proms, seen her get both her high school and college diplomas, buy her first house, and be here if she ever settles down. She was the apple of his eye. What he did right.
So December 2, is not a day that I dred or look forward too. It would have been his birthday. He would be so old tomorrow. like 77 or is it 78? Who knows he no longer ages.

Daddy, I miss you and I think about you and hope you know we are all okay.