Sunday, February 12, 2012


My life is so messed up right now.  Okay, maybe it's just me that is messed up lately.  I am totally having a hard time.  I don't have any idea what direction I need to give my life.  I do not know which way I should go.  I am completely unorganized.  I still do not have a job and I have much more schooling to do than I though. Yup, that is where I am right now in my life.  I need some focus, I need some direction, I need some discipline.

I want to be the woman I am supposed to be, the woman God had in mind when he thought me up.  Yet, I know I am not there.  I also, know that I have no idea what he wants from me.  I am not one who can follow the signs or hear something - unless it is SHOUTED at me.  So, how do I know what path he wants me to take?  How do I know what he wants me to do?  I am confused by what I want and by what I need, then throw in some what I think I should do.

I WANT to make a living taking photographs, and be able to be crafty and be a sort of be a stay at home mom- with money to spend.  Not alot of money, but I would like to contribute to my household financially and have some spending money.  Plus, I love photography.
I NEED to go back to school?  I think.  I have been displaced twice in two years.  This SUCKS.  It sucks to know that at 32 almost 33, most people see me as unhireable.  I am a hard worker, a good worker.  I have always given any job 125%.  Why come to work if you aren't going to give it everything?  I think/feel that going back to school would give me the security in a job, that I don't have.  At least I hope it would.
I SHOULD take the next job that comes around just so that I am working. This is what I think I should do.  In my head.  I have worked since I was 15 years old, at a real job- aka Burger King. Before that, I mowed lawns, babysat and anything else people in my neighborhood would pay me to do.  So, right now sort of looking for a job and collecting unemployment (which is about $600 less than what i was bringing home, plus NO insurance) is very new to me.

How do you know what are supposed to do?  Any ideas or help that you all could offer would be great.  I have spent the weekend looking up scholarships.  I feel like I have no shot in HECK of winning one, but if I did, maybe that would be the sign I need.  I am going to apply for school tomorrow and try to figure that out, yet at the same time. Is this something I can do? Go back to school, take care of CarLee is this fair to Lee?  My husband is amazing, he works 50 plus hours selling auto parts at the same job he has had since the day after graduation high school.  He is the top salesman there and has been for many years in a row now.  He also works with his dad several days a week.  Yet, he is still a wonderful husband and father. Patient with both me and CarLee. I know some days (like today)  this is a full time job in itself. 

okay I guess this is enough for tonight.- oh, tomorrow a new beginning in diet and exercise.  I need to get healthy, to hopefully take control of one part of my life.

    “I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.” —Psalm 32:8

Sometimes, Lord, it’s so hard to see. We squint and struggle to make sense of what you’re showing us. Help us know when you are guiding us, Lord, and when we are clutching at the wrong answers. Help us know, as this peace process unfolds, how to best follow your voice, how to love each other with your perfect love, and how to continue to turn to you and, when it’s your will, to wait until the time you choose to answer our prayers. Thank you for teaching us how to live in your care and respond to your voice.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

way tO much going ON upstairs

I am sure this is what i look like when i am deep in thought. LOL

 So, this is going to be a long drawn out post. I have had alot on my mind lately and well I should have posted before now, but yeah whatever.  I have a long list of things I should have done sooner.

1.)  Driving home late Tuesday night. (I am laughing at myself for saying late, it was 6:30 pm) From Lake City I missed my Firebird so much.  I do not even have a digital picture of it.  I am so sure i have one on film though.  I was driving home alone and all of suddenI wished I was driving that car.  I never miss that car when I have CarLee.  I missed it.  I missed the speed, missed the changing of the gears, missed the stereo, missed the irresponsibilty that car gave me. (or at least made me feel like i was irresponsible).  I am never irresponsible. (okay lets not count my addiction to joann's or michaels)  I always do what I am supposed too.  I always do the right thing.  Sometimes, I just want that car back to make it fly down the part of Normandy. Between 301 and 10. I would have killed to have made that firebird fly on Tuesday night.  I think I would have loved to feel just a tad irresponsible. Nope. Drove my HHR within speed limits.  oh, and no texting.  I did have my iPod cranked up though.

2.)  Nanny had her surgery.  I spend half the day at the hospital with her today.  She was out of it.  She told me once I had this baby (I am so not pregnant, and honestly I am big, but I do not look pregnant) I need to have another one.  A little girl. WOW okay Nanny. Crazy Loopy Lady.  Then she proceeded to tell me that Nikki had killed Mary Anne.  See, this would have caused me alarm (bestie with the name nikki) but I had ready the cover of soap opera digest. Nanny still watches Young and the Restless.  She also seemed to think the hospital was Eric's house. Eric is my cousin.  She went on and on about how she loved his great big house.  So I told Lee about that.  Oh, no big mistake.  Lee came back with tell her, I just saved a bunch of baby bunnies from a burning pet store.  The fire cheif said I was a hero.  So, like an idiot I told my Nanny that.  She looked at me- well when is he bringing me them bunnies to raise?  Did I mention I love this crazy crazy loopy lady?  As, I walked out the door to come home. She says, Thanks for Putting up with me. Even now I smile at that. Put up with her?  How many times have I called that woman and unburdened myself? I should thank her every day for putting up with me.

3.)  So CarLee had a bad couple of days at school.  Her agenda said she was talking to much.  That she was talking when she was not supposed to.  Also, she would not stop talking once told too.  So, I asked my Girl Kid, "CarLee, why would you not stop talking?" (she looks at me like I am half stupid) "Cause I got alot to say." 1 point CarLee, 0 for Mommy.
This article is so freaking awesome.  This lady explains so much so well.  I cherish every day and every moment with my kid.  I promise you that.  I also will not lie, at times if i could hide some where where she could not find me. I would still be there right now.  CarLee don't touch that, okay she says as she reaches for something extremely breakable and pics it up.  Mommy I am hungry, CarLee what do you want?  I dont know.. (um really?) all of this is recited by the whiniest voice ever.  I do not let my child wonder all over the store or act a fool. (okay I dont let her act a fool all the time).  Yet, some times when i get onto her in public, I get looked at as if I have created some crime.  But, I assure you the same old hags looking at me like that for getting onto her, would be the same ones whispering "she should make her child mind" if I did let her act a fool ALL the time. which acting a fool comes so naturally to her.  Look at her parents.

I have so much more to say... or write..... or type... but, its past my bedtime. wonder if Lee is still awake........

Saturday, January 14, 2012


Strength is my word for the year and let me tell you, I picked this word back in December.  I choose it before all the changes that have recently taken place.  I hope that I can live up to what it means.

I found these definitions for this word.
  • The state, property, or quality of being strong.
  • The power to resist attack; impregnability.
  • The power to resist strain or stress; durability.
  • The ability to maintain a moral or intellectual position firmly

  • Wow, so I now know what I have to live up to this year.  So that's what I am going to do.  Be strong, stay strong, live strong.  Take this walk with me.
    STRENGTH - to have faith, to find peace, to always be grateful.
    (so this picture has nothing to do with the post, but I think I look good here!)

    New Year, New Changes?

    That right now- is something i am trying to do.  Love this beautiful life God has blessed me with.  I am working everyday to be a better person.  I want to be who my daughter already believes me to be.  In her eyes - and God's eyes I am so much more.  I want to be so much more. so that's me. Thanking God for blessing me with my Crazy Beautiful Life.

    Here is an update on this Crazy Life I have.

    Sunday first Sunday back at church.  All great there.  No judgement for missing 2 months, just hugs and such.  Love the members of my Church.

    Monday- wow.  I have no way to describe this day.  Went to work and was busy so I was working. Doing my thing. I walked on my lunch break with my friend Liz.  We walked 2 miles and had some good deep conversation.  My legs were on fire though.  I got backed to my desk and my manager called me to her office.  "we are re-organizing, and your position has been eliminated." dude.  What else can i say.  I packed my desk and was out the door. I could say so much more, but really there is no point.

    Tuesday - job search, which is so not fun.  Looked on line all day.
    Wed - much of the same, worked in my scrapbook room.  Church in the evening.
    Thursday - worked in my scrapbook room, got stuff ready for my yard sale to benefit a friend.
          I picked CarLee up from school and we went to Publix, where i proceeded to knock out her front tooth.  I know I am such a good mommy.  It was a total accident, but it happened.  Then we got home and lost the lost tooth.  How do I manage to do these things?  As an organized mom - I fail.  She did not even care, never mentioned the tooth fairy.  She is not even excited about the tooth fairy after the first tooth.
    Friday - chiropractor and massage.  This is my last visit before my insurance runs out.  Then had lunch with my girls.  Susie, Liz and Sherry from my last job and one of my besties Karen. It was a good lunch.  It was nice to hang out.  Then it was home to get more stuff ready for the yard sale.

    Today, Saturday it was yard sale. I raised 150.00 for my friend.  I am so excited.  I can not wait to give it to her.  It made me feel real good.  I am so blessed to be able to do this.

    This week coming up asking for prayers. My nanny has to have surgery on Tuesday.  Please pray that this all goes well.  Please pray that this heals her stomach. This lady means so much to me.  I can never put into words all that she is. She is great.  She is fun, and strong.
    She has been my nanny, my mommy, my friend, confident, buddy, and so much more.  She is my history, my past, she holds my present and with all my whole heart I pray that she is in my future for a long time more.

    Thursday, January 5, 2012

    LoVE mY KiD

    So, CarLee had to redo her homework tonight for the whole week.  Why do you ask?  She decided to bring ice cream home with her, from school.  Guess how that turned out?  She put it in her lunch box at lunch time, so she could bring it home.

    PS - I weighed in at weight watchers - down 5 pounds.  When I get to 13 I will celebrate.

    Okay I am listening......

    Have you ever realized that someone was trying to tell you something and you just weren't listening?
    I have, and very recently too.  I am not sure exactly where to start this post or this story.  So, lets just start with now.  Last night was my first night back at Church in over 2 months.  Yet, even before then I was only going very sparatically.  It seems when my life gets busy or I get depressed, I quit church. Why, God didn't quit me (Thank You for not quiting me).  I go to a really great church.  I do.  I know most people think they go to a great church, and they probably do.  I go to a church that is great for me.

    1.)  CarLee loves it.  Not likes it Loves it.  She knows when we are supposed to go.  Thank you Ms Sims and Ms Kelly for teaching her the days of the week.  I have to think this goes back to all of her Sunday School teachers and now her awana leaders.  I have to admit, watching her in her faith and her walk with God is amazing.

    2.)  My first Sunday school teacher.  Ms Sandy - made me feel welcome and loved from the first time I met her.  She put me right at ease.

    3.)  They don't care what you wear.  I know this seems like a silly reason to think your church is great but to me it is.  I am not a girlie girl, I do not like to dress up, and I would so rather be in flip flops than dress shoes.  I have showed up in jeans and a t-shirt and was not treated any differently. EVER.  They just want you to be there, to share the Lord with you.

    4.)  This is not my first lapse in going to church.  Yet, no one judges me.  I never get the look - oh look who is back now....  I get hugs and pats on the shoulder. I hear, "Glad to see you" or "Glad your back".  I feel missed and I feel wanted.

    So, before school let out for Christmas break, CarLee asked when we would be going back to church.  I said in the new year.  So, on Monday I posted to the women's group on facebook :

    needing help. 1.) can anyone recommend a podcast on itunes for daily listening? 2.) thinking i might need some help in my daily walk. I have not been to church since oct. when life gets hectic or crazy church is the one thing I drop. I don't want to be like that anymore.

    The response from the women in that group was amazing, as well as all of the encouragement I received last night.  I realized that I don't have to be able to spout scripture, and I don't have to be elegant prayer.  I just have to be me. 

    Earlier in the day I had read this post :
    and it spoke to me.  I just need to be in my relationship with God. 

    So this is why I think God, was trying to get my attention.  3 weeks ago when CarLee asked when we were going back, when I got the news my Nanny was cancer free, when I posted to facebook and the women of my church let me know that they were there for me and when I read that blog post.  It's not really about GOING to church for me, but about going to GOD. I am listening and praying now. 

    Wednesday, January 4, 2012

    Red Power Ranger

    Okay at some point my kid has combined the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus?

    Let me start at the beginning. CarLee – my totally awesome Girl Kid did not actually get her teeth until she was almost a year old. Then of course she got them all at one time. That was so much fun. (The sarcasm was just oozing right there if you could not tell.) End of that part of the story – she got all of her teeth. Once at her pediatrician’s office, he said to be careful that she might be likely to get cavities because her teeth were a little jagged. Fast forward 2 years and her first dentist appointment no cavities no problems that they could see. The dentist patted us both on the head and said keep up the good work. Well, not really but basically that was the gist of it.

    A couple of months ago, she started asking when she would lose her teeth. I basically told her I did not know and that everyone was different. That they would come out in their own time. (This was a really good mommy moment for me, huh?) So, the other day she said her tooth hurt, and I asked her to show me which one. She pointed and opened her mouth. I looked and while looking I noticed that I could actually see 2 teeth along her gum lines. I laughed. Sorry, but all I could really think about was her new teeth were about to kick her old teeth out. I told her what I saw; she got excited and told her daddy. This was Sunday 01/01/2012.

    Well, last night Girl Kid and her daddy went to get shoes. When they got home, she peaked in the door and said mommy I have something to show you. I said, “What?” She kind of turned toward lee and said, “Can I show her?” Lee said “not yet”. The two of them went back and forth for a while. Then Lee said, “OK, go show her.” CarLee ran towards me all excited and says, “My tooth is loose.” This kid was so stinking excited about her first loose tooth. Yes, of course I went to get my camera and made CarLee point to the loose tooth, while I took pictures of it. I am just a little weird. A minute later after CarLee had left the living room and was not within ear shot, Lee says, “She already made a wish to the tooth fairy.”

    Okay so maybe I should not have been, but I was shocked. I think my mouth feel open. A wish? To the Tooth Fairy, what you talkin bout Willis? Lee told me, that CarLee had made a wish for a red power ranger to the tooth fairy or for the money to buy it; she could not be specific because she did not know how much a read power ranger cost. At this point I am laughing and thinking – Yes, I rubbed my belly and begged for my kid to have personality. Wish granted. So, I asked lee what we were going to do. Dumb. He said, “Well at least Wal-Mart is 24 hours, in case we have to go in the middle of the night.” In our family, CarLee’s imagination/awesomeness wins every time.

    Conclusion: Mommy, meaning yours truly hit Wal-Mart at 6:30 am (before work) to pick up a red power ranger.

    Operation Tooth Fairy: Accomplished.