Tuesday, December 7, 2010

December 7th 2010

Prompt: Community. __Where have I discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would I like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?

I have made new friends on Facebook and @ my new job. I would like to more deeply connect with my community at church but I would need to go in order to do that. I have not been going, and that laziness on my part. It seems to be the easiest thing to put to the side when life gets busy. I know it should not be like that but it is. In 2011 I am making a commitment to myself and my daughter to not put this at the bottom of the list.

Monday, December 6, 2010

December 6th

todays prompt - Make. What was the last thing I made? What materials did I use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

Well the last thing i made as a center piece in a vase for christmas. I used just some floral stems from michael and tissue paper. For my first attempt it turned out pretty good.

I have a long list of stuff I want to make, and yeah I need to make time to make it.

***Spent the day with Lee today it was nice.***

Short post. No pic.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

December 5th A very Personal Post

This website is about giving you prompts to reflect on this year and manifest whats next. I am going to play catch up for a minute as I missed the first 4 days of this. (There is a prompt for each day.)

1.) December 1 – One Word --- One word that encompasses the year 2010 for me is CHANGE. It seems like my life has done nothing but CHANGE over and over again this past year. For those that know me.. I am not good at CHANGE. I have had numerous major life CHANGES this year.

2.)December 2 – Writing --- I do not think that this one applies much to me other than the fact I need to do more of it. I have been told by numerous Counselors that it helps to get the feeling out, even if you just put them on paper and then throw them away. I recently had a nutritionist tell me that when I felt like eating and did not know if it was real hunger or my vice, to write something anything and keep going and after that if I was still wanting food to re-evaluate and see if it was real hunger or not. So maybe that will be a small goal for me, or maybe posting to this blog more regularly will be. Something for me to think about.

3.)December 3 – Moment --- This prompt is about picking one moment from the year where I felt most alive this year. Is it said that I am sitting here and really can not think of that MOMENT. I really am trying, but I am going back to the beginning of the year and I am noticing that I am having a hard time remembering the year. It could be the way I have felt over the past year and all of the changes. I am sad because I can not find my moment.

4.)December 4 – Wonder --- How did I cultivate a sense of wonder in my life this year? -- WOW, um not sure that I did, but it is something that is going to take place in 2011. I am currently reading a book called, The Gifts of Imperfection, by Brene Brown. It says Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are, Your Guide to WHOLEHEARTED Life. So, wish me luck on this journey I am taking for myself. It's going to involve changes on my part, work on my part. I am scared and yet excited. I am going to find a good counselor to see, I am going to become closer to God. I believe these things will help me. I think they will be good for me.

5.)December 5 – Let Go --- What (or whom) did I let go of this year? Why?

This Prompt hits home to me in a BIG no make that a HUGE way. I feel like I let go of myself and I don't know why. I feel as if I do not really know who I am. I feel as if I really do not know what I want. I feel as if I let go of things that were important to me. I feel as if I let the CHANGES take that away from me. Maybe its a growing process, maybe its just life and this happens to alot of people, and they just don't talk about it. I am not sure but again if you read December 4th, that's what I am going to do take Me back this year. I only hope that I have the courage to follow thru on it. I can not stress how nervous and scared I am about going on this journey, but I believe that it will and can help me come out on the other side a better ME. I think a better ME, means a better Person, Wife, Mother, Woman of God, Friend, and again a better ME.

Okay I wonder what tomorrows Prompt will be and what my answer will be and if I will continue to answer them honestly and with my heart.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Black Apples December 3rd

Well, most people would see a black apple and think yuck, gross. I see them and want to ram my head against the nearest wall. These days black apples are the vain of my existence. They are the definition of how well my Girl Kid behaved. These week I have seen way too many Black Apples. She received 3 of them on Tuesday. She decided to hold a bunch of other kids hostage in the tree house at recess. She made them all cry. Okay that was not nice, but really they are 3 and 4 years old why cry? Why not just push her out of the way? Knock her down or something? Yeah, I know then I might be saying little punks- I can not believe they pushed her down. But, for now I am sticking to just push her out of the way and leave the tree house! Too Shay! Also, that day she decided not to listen to her teacher at ALL. In fact she took that a step farther and tried to get everyone else to stop listening and to stop paying attention. Can anyone say Ring Leader? So that day ended with 3 black apples and no TV for her when she got home.
On to Wednesday, wow only 1 Black Apple. I was like that's not so bad, she did not sleep the night before. At all, period. She had a bad dream. She dreamt that her and I went to someones house where they had a cat that walked on 2 legs and it hit her. (yeah really whoever's house that was, please get your 2 legged cat under control) So again no TV for her.
Yesterday, Thursday I just knew with my whole heart that she had a good day. I felt it, her Daddy felt it. (I mean just because my day sucked butt....) I knew I was gonna pick her up and NO Black Apples. WRONG. She got 5 Black Apples. Not 1 not 2 not 3 but 5. She did not listen at all not even a little bit, it was the theme of the day. It was like Ms Deb was punishing herself by writing, Would not listen, would not listen, would not listen over and over again on the note that she left for me. Also, again with being mean to her friends. Every time she was allowed to play she would be mean to anyone around her. They made her sit out, tried again, she was mean again. So no TV again last night. I got onto her in front of her class, I did not yell, I simply stated that it was bad and wrong to be mean to her friends and made her tell all of the kids left at school/daycare that she was sorry. All of these kids were like "It's okay," "We forgive you." very nice. Then when we got in the car I made her cry, I told her she could not see Papa Tony until she had a good day. I know I am horrible right? The meanest mommy ever.
So, I am at a loss, and have developed a deep fear of Black Apples. Seriously these flat paper Black Apples can make me cry and make me want to bang my head against the wall. I feel like I am raising a monster. My Nanny thinks its funny. She is like how many today? "5" Good job she worked hard. That's how that conversation goes. (Me rolling my eyes @ my Nanny, which I can so do because I am in Jacksonville and she is in Wellborn and can not see me rolling my eyes @ her.) Any suggestions on what to do? I am at a loss. We threaten no Santa and have not even put up the Christmas tree, to reinforce that.
Praying for no BLACK APPLES today.
PS - story - Lee went to check on her last night about 11pm, to make sure she was covered. He checked on her and closed the door. I heard her (because we still use the baby monitor) say, "Who'd there?" heard Lee open her door again. "Is it you or the Monster?" - Lee "Me or you a monster?" CarLee, "No I am a people, I thought you were the Monster." Lee " No, whats your name?" CarLee, "CarLee." Lee "Good night CarLee." "Night Daddy."
Really who is this Monster and when did it start living in my house?

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

December 2, 2010

Daddy Bill
From the day I came into this world,
you have always been by my side.
Your hands have given me the protection
I would need in order to grow.
The smile you wore was always a ray
of sunshine over my day.
Always available to listen to me,
you never cast judgement my way.
The heart inside of you always seemed
to understand.
My feelings you knew as if they were your own.
Our relationship could only be described as true.
For you loved me as your child and I called you
Daddy, even though our names aren't the same.
Forever in my heart you will remain. January 17, 1998

Funny I just noticed the date I wrote this 2 months to the day before he passed away, leaving my life with this huge hole. I could go on and on about him. I think everyone should know I LOVED him despite who he was. I know all about the bad stuff but, the moments of good he gave were really good moments. One memory that sticks out, still makes me laugh out loud.
My mom and step dad AJ were opening up a shop (to work on cars) and there was this store that made hamburgers and fries. (Now it's known as the Mudville Grill where beach and Atlantic meet,back then it was a pharmacy/store/soda bar.) Well we all ordered these burgers and sat down to eat. I dropped mine on the ground, I was trying to put ketchup on it. The hamburger patty hit the dirtiest ground ever. He moved so fast, snatched it up off the ground and switched it out with AJ's friends Rob's hamburger. That was funny, but what made it worse was this guy just kept going on about how great the burger was. He went on and on and on... and really this floor was covered in grease, dirt, you name it had been on that floor. I was like 13 at the time and this was freaking hysterical to me and Lisa. Its 10:21 pm (12/01/2010) and I am smiling remembering this.

Another time was and this memory is so bittersweet to me. It was probably the last real conversation I ever had with him. See after this night he was on the ventilator and then the trek and I never heard his real voice again. He had to go to the emergency room, so me, Lee and Lisa followed the ambulance up there. Renee usually handled this, but she was fighting with David (and well honestly none of us thought anything was wrong, not even Daddy). Let's clear something up, David is Mexican. Daddy did not have anything against Mexicans, just David. He pretty much hated David. (oh, David being Renee's boyfriend then, husband now and Renee being my older step-sister.) So we are in the little areas @baptist er, Daddy in the bed, oxygen tank, me, Lee and Lisa and Daddy starts running his mouth. Okay he is talking about how Renee cant be there because she has to help David find his donkey. Let me tell you he went on and on, in walks a short cute doctor. Daddy starts saying (in front of the doctor) "why couldn't your sister fall in love with this guy? Oh no she has to go fall in love with some Mexican who cant even remember where he parked his donkey. This guy is cute and he has to be rich." Okay so I am trying to be the grown up, but laughing anyways lee and Lisa are laughing, and daddy just keeps going. He really did not like David. You may not find that funny, but i can still see him sitting in that bed flapping his arms and ranting and raving about David. The whole ER got a play by play and way to much info. Like I said I LOVED him despite who he was.

I can also remember the moment I knew and realized he loved me as if I were his. I mean I always knew it, but that picture at the top of this post, that day he looked at me with tears in his eyes and told me that I was beautiful and that he loved me more than he could ever say. It is truly the moment I knew that I did not have to have his blood or his last name for him to love me or for me to be his.
He is still with me, some days I think I feel his whiskers like I did when I kissed him good night or good bye. I still miss him so much it hurts. CarLee would be so stinking rotten way more than she is. He would have made her into a living nightmare for me. I know he is watching out for her. I know he has his hand on Lisa. I thought it would get better with time, I was so lost without him. See people did not know that i would sneak off to see him, on lunch break, after school, after work, and we would talk and talk and talk. I don't think of him everyday, but when I do think of him it can be crippling knowing what he's missed.
Once I asked him how I would know if Lee loved me in the forever kind of way. He actually told me, you don't have to know because I do.
I wish he could have seen Lisa dressed for her Proms, seen her get both her high school and college diplomas, buy her first house, and be here if she ever settles down. She was the apple of his eye. What he did right.
So December 2, is not a day that I dred or look forward too. It would have been his birthday. He would be so old tomorrow. like 77 or is it 78? Who knows he no longer ages.
Daddy, I miss you and I think about you and hope you know we are all okay.

December 1st Happy Birthday Cheryl Mosley

I want to take time today to say Happy Birthday to the most amazing Mother in Love.
She truly has the biggest heart and would do anything for anyone! She is also alot of fun and some of my best nights have been with her. Seeing Garth Brooks, meeting Billy Currington, seeing Keith Urban and Gary Allen. She has done so much and is truly one of those women who know how live life to the fullest. Her stories are amazing and funny. Yet she ALWAYS manages to be there whenever anyone needs her. She would go out of her way for anyone and she has (even those who never appreciate it!) She loves me constantly even when I am a witch (4th of July parade this year, sorry about that.) She wants everyone to know just how special they are, and goes out of her way to prove it to them. She loves unconditionally and truly. So today let's celebrate this NASCAR lovin, Country Music Listenen, Gone With the Wind collector, Mother, Sister, Friend, Aunt, Granny, former Bad A*S, no longer an all night partyer, and amazing women. My life is better because she is in it. Thanks for all you do and for always being you! I love you. I hope the next 50 years are as much fun as the first 50. I can not wait to see how your number one customizes the first wheel chair (just kidding we are a long way from there!)