Sunday, February 12, 2012


My life is so messed up right now.  Okay, maybe it's just me that is messed up lately.  I am totally having a hard time.  I don't have any idea what direction I need to give my life.  I do not know which way I should go.  I am completely unorganized.  I still do not have a job and I have much more schooling to do than I though. Yup, that is where I am right now in my life.  I need some focus, I need some direction, I need some discipline.

I want to be the woman I am supposed to be, the woman God had in mind when he thought me up.  Yet, I know I am not there.  I also, know that I have no idea what he wants from me.  I am not one who can follow the signs or hear something - unless it is SHOUTED at me.  So, how do I know what path he wants me to take?  How do I know what he wants me to do?  I am confused by what I want and by what I need, then throw in some what I think I should do.

I WANT to make a living taking photographs, and be able to be crafty and be a sort of be a stay at home mom- with money to spend.  Not alot of money, but I would like to contribute to my household financially and have some spending money.  Plus, I love photography.
I NEED to go back to school?  I think.  I have been displaced twice in two years.  This SUCKS.  It sucks to know that at 32 almost 33, most people see me as unhireable.  I am a hard worker, a good worker.  I have always given any job 125%.  Why come to work if you aren't going to give it everything?  I think/feel that going back to school would give me the security in a job, that I don't have.  At least I hope it would.
I SHOULD take the next job that comes around just so that I am working. This is what I think I should do.  In my head.  I have worked since I was 15 years old, at a real job- aka Burger King. Before that, I mowed lawns, babysat and anything else people in my neighborhood would pay me to do.  So, right now sort of looking for a job and collecting unemployment (which is about $600 less than what i was bringing home, plus NO insurance) is very new to me.

How do you know what are supposed to do?  Any ideas or help that you all could offer would be great.  I have spent the weekend looking up scholarships.  I feel like I have no shot in HECK of winning one, but if I did, maybe that would be the sign I need.  I am going to apply for school tomorrow and try to figure that out, yet at the same time. Is this something I can do? Go back to school, take care of CarLee is this fair to Lee?  My husband is amazing, he works 50 plus hours selling auto parts at the same job he has had since the day after graduation high school.  He is the top salesman there and has been for many years in a row now.  He also works with his dad several days a week.  Yet, he is still a wonderful husband and father. Patient with both me and CarLee. I know some days (like today)  this is a full time job in itself. 

okay I guess this is enough for tonight.- oh, tomorrow a new beginning in diet and exercise.  I need to get healthy, to hopefully take control of one part of my life.

    “I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.” —Psalm 32:8

Sometimes, Lord, it’s so hard to see. We squint and struggle to make sense of what you’re showing us. Help us know when you are guiding us, Lord, and when we are clutching at the wrong answers. Help us know, as this peace process unfolds, how to best follow your voice, how to love each other with your perfect love, and how to continue to turn to you and, when it’s your will, to wait until the time you choose to answer our prayers. Thank you for teaching us how to live in your care and respond to your voice.