Sunday, January 10, 2010
This year is not going the WaY I thought it would
This was a big deal at my house. CarLee ate a grilled cheese sandwich twice today. Yippeee. Lee had to call it a super duper princess sandwich for her to eat it. but she did. so glad to find something else besides chicken that she will eat!!!
This year is not going the way I had planned. CarLee was sick then my dad went into the hospital. This is so hard. I have only had a real realationship with my dad since CarLee was born and even more so once my Step-Mother passed away. Since CarLee was born I had an awesome realationship with my step-mom, but did not really know my dad. Then she passed away only about a year and a half ago. That was hard. Yet, since then I have gotten to know my dad. The past is not forgotten, but very much forgiven. He has been in the hospital since Monday. It was been very hard for me. It reminds me of losing my Daddy Bill. I then get angry because known of his other kids are coming to see him. He lived with them and raised them and spoiled them. He pays their cell phone bill, and their dish bill, and gosh knows what else. I am not saying there is anything wrong with that. yet at some point they need to grow up. He does this and they call and tell him if he gives them gas money they will come and visit him. I get so mad thinking about it. He is so lonely and bored up in the hospital room. It breaks my heart. Then I get mad all over again. I am the one being there for him, taking time away from my family and yet he was never there for me. Why is this the way that it is? Am I dumb? I love him and the man gave me life. I have this internal war going on inside of me. This is so hard. I can not even begin to describe how I feel. I am scared that something is really wrong with him and then I am scared that i will have to take care of him. The things i have had to do already make me cringe. It is hard to watch your dad be sick. It is hard to watch anyone be sick. Why do I have to watch him be sick? I am I the one worried about him coming home to that house? Why am I afraid to talk to him about the stuff we should be talking about? Why am i mixed up and confused? I am looking for advice and help and plain looking for someone to make this better.....